For the last couple of months whenever I am on the BART on my way back home from work, I feel like crying. The feeling just comes up out of nowhere. I start to feel my eyes water and my body starts to get heavy. Then BAM I feel that wave of insecurity and sadness burst inside. In a manner of seconds, I think about everything that is dragging me down.
Why am I back here in the Bay Area? Why am I back here? It's a problem with association. I associate all my insecurities, all my failed relationships, and all that I have NOT accomplished to the Bay. I feel so lonely here. My BFF is gone and will be gone for another year at least. Everyone I know here is stuck in their own little sphere of existence that I can't seem to break into. I find it ironic that the place that I call "home" is the one place I seem to feel the most lonesome.
5 comments:
kiraa, suicidey and i are here anytime you want to bum out :)
I totally know how you feel. I was having that same feeling yesterday about Boston. Like my life is going backwards. Ugg.
:(
Aww...bummers! Your bff is sad to be away from you for another year too! I think home will start to feel like home when you're more settled in your career and have a chance to really discover and rediscover some solid friends. No one to replace me, of course, but friends that are local and whom you have things in common with right now (vs. 15 years ago). Anyway, miss you lots. You always have a home where I am.
i know how you feel, tash.
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